No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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