i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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