You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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