This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
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