i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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