I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
