if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
