A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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