I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
