I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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