Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Alive.
So much puke
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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