Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
