I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
