There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
