Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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