Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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