you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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