i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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