apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
thus making me awesome and them whores
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
