maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
