I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
