my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
