I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I AM VODKA MAN
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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