i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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