you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
