Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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