Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
