I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
