3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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