I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
