I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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