I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize