you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
