I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
