so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
