stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
