hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
