I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
