last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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