I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
