your thong is hanging out like whoa
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
