theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
it's great music for shaving your balls
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
