You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
