hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
