I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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