Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
