The maid of honor just puked.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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