There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
what day is it and did you see me today?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
