My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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