my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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