people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize