i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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