You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
