Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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