If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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