me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
