I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
