I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I currently don't understand fingers.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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